Divorce pt 2


 Good day everyone, and welcome back. I pray everyone has had a great week so far! Happy Day! Today we are wrapping up our mini divorce series, for now to prepare for my next phase in life. Moving to Texas was such a big decision, but I have always wanted to do it. I guess you can call it a calling; it honestly reminded me of Frozen 2 when the princess had to find her voice and realize that the only thing missing was herself, her true self. 

 If you have any questions, please feel free to comment below or send an email at humblesoul80888@gmail.com. 

Jumping right in, let’s talk about self-sabotage which is probably one of my biggest downfalls. You never know what you should be doing but still decide to do something else entirely. When you go through something that brings you to rock bottom, the only way out is through. 

Self-sabotage refers to behaviors or thought patterns that hold you back and prevent you from doing what you want to do.

Or Self-sabotage is when you undermine your own goals and values.

( EX: You have a deadline to meet, but instead of doing the work, you decide to go out and miss it)

Examples:

• Procrastination: The action of delaying or postponing something

• Substance Abuse: Excessive use of psychoactive drugs, such as alcohol, pain medications, or illegal drugs. It can lead to physical, social, or emotional harm

• Stress Eating: Eating when you are not hungry or overeating under a significant amount of stress

• Chronic Lateness: (The act of repetitive late arrival)

• Intimacy and Commitment Issues: Fears of being stuck or feeling suffocated in a relationship or struggle with ambivalence and doubt significant decisions, including their relationships. 

Now it’s essential never to shame anyone because you never know what they could be going through, and if you fit one more of these examples, please be kind to yourself. Since 2020 the world has been moving at a different pace, and even before, it seemed to be moving too fast. From losing family members to losing jobs managing and grounding yourself has never been so important. When my divorce process started, I was honestly terrified. I have my business but no other stable source of income, no car in my name, and a mediocre savings account. I had no idea where to start or what I was going to do. I started second-guessing my decisions; “maybe we could work it out?” or perhaps I was getting too ahead of myself. 

I have never lived alone, never really had to pay rent. It dawned on me that even though I knew how to take care of myself, I honestly didn’t. Someone has always been around to do everything for me, and that’s when I decided it was time for a change.

Remember to learn to accept and ask for help though it is okay not to have your shit together at first. I, hands down, would not be where I am without my family and support group. I have always been counter-dependent, and I have always “figured it out.” I had a fantastic childhood, but my parents traveled a lot. It wasn’t until I was an adult I realized my parents did everything they could to give me both what I wanted and needed. And as an adult, it is my responsibility to heal from anything that has bothered or hurt me. It’s essential, to be honest with those in your corner about your healing journey. You don’t always have to be strong; let people get close to you, recognize the signs. Check back this week to learn more about counter dependency. 

 I have been in Houston for one week now, and nothing has gone according to plan. I spent way more than I expected to and had to change my plan at least three times. But I have faith in my journey, and I know it’ll work out for my highest good. Never be afraid of change because what’s next could surprise you. As someone who does not like being taken care of, it’s hard for me; but I promise you can do this. Even if it’s getting out of bed and taking a shower, I am so proud of you. 

Top reasons for divorce:

• Money 

• Lack of Intimacy (physical, emotional, etc.)

• Cheating

• Abuse of any kind

• Lack of Communication or none

• Addiction ( alcohol, drugs, porn, shopping, gambling, etc.)

• Loss of Identify 

How to prepare:

Start Journaling: This one for me had to be the hardest. Once the word divorce comes into play, it would seem like the world is ending. No matter when you checked out from the marriage, I promise you will be okay. From experience, whenever you feel angry, sad, confused, or feel like you need to say something to your ex, DO NOT!! Call a trusted friend, hotline, enroll in therapy if you can, or, of course, JOURNAL. Write it all out, then burn it, type it, or even voice memo it. BUT DO NOT TEXT OR CALL THEM.

Tell them: It should be #1, but there is no real right time to bring up this conversation. If you have concerns, be out in public, ask a friend or relative to be with you. FACE TO FACE IS NOT YOUR ONLY OPTION!! File yourself and let the court handle it.

Identify your goals and what you want: With marriage, many things become joint such as bank accounts, cars, etc.; what do you want to keep or sell? Be direct and concise on where you want to be after and during the divorce. Making a vision board may help keep you on track.

Remember to ASK FOR ADVICE AND HELP!! Understand different divorce options such as Litigation, Mediation, Collaborative or DIY and Set up a filing system ( You will have a lot of paperwork) 

Other things to start doing:

• Learn your state’s residency requirements 

• Prepare an After-Divorce Budget 

• Work on your credit 

• Closeout Joint Accounts 

• Consult with a lawyer 

Things you’ll need: 

1. Paystubs for the last year/ Tax returns 

2. Spouses paystubs 

3. Real estate/ Mortgage paperwork

4. Any Joint accounts and or debt with both your names on it

5. Life Insurance Policies 

A question I get asked a lot, surprisingly, is how do I help my child understand. Now I do not have children, but from my research, I can help you out. Like children, they will always ask why? Children are like sponges; they see and hear everything even if you don’t notice. Some emotions they may face are

• Abandonment

• Alienation

• Rejection

• Anger

• Disbelief

• Anxiety

• Unloved

• Confusion

• Loss

• Fear of the future

• Guilt

• Loneliness

• Helplessness

• Delinquency

• Peer conflict

• Irrational risk-taking

Of course, depending on the age, the conversation should vary. Ages 5-9 years old may have a sense of what’s going on. Books like Two home filled with love, Why do families change? Or living with mom and living with dad may help. School relationships with friends, teachers, coaches, and others outside the home become a bigger priority for pre-teens and influence how they react to divorce news. From 10 and up emotionally, children may understand more, but it is essential to know they are still children. Adult children are often living their own complex lives but still need reassurance. Keep your lines of communication open and give them quality time as you would younger children. Never force the conversation but always provide information when required. Try your best never to ask your children to be the “messenger, and it’s unfair and selfish. Above all else, keep your adult divorce conversations private. Children of all ages are sponges, and they will take to heart the comments you make to each other. NEVER EVER guilt-trip your children. You are both ADULTS.  

Are you looking for a therapist for your children? Check out https://www.teencounseling.com/parent_start/?transaction_id=102bbba4f4af39bc121398e4e6ed18&utm_source=affiliate&utm_campaign=Survive+Divorce&utm_medium=Mac+OS+X&utm_content=&utm_term=surviveandthrive&not_found=1. 

Many people say the first step before getting a divorce is counseling or talking to a Chaplin. I know that step is skipped in many cases, but I do not see the harm if you both have second thoughts. I am familiar with military divorce, but please feel free to ask if you are non-military.  

If you are deployed, check out. 

https://www.military.com/spouse/relationships/military-divorce/6-steps-to-get-through-a-deployment-divorce.html.

Non-Military

https://www.legalzoom.com/knowledge/divorce/topic/divorce-process

Child support Calculator

Why Divorce Counseling Is Important

https://www.survivedivorce.com/divorce-counseling

Divorce Wait Time Post

Way longer than I thought, but please let me know if you have any questions. 

If you would like to donate to my moving fund

My cash app is $Yeezy33 

Venmo $Humble-Soul-LLC1

Thank you!

Heal so you can enjoy the life you deserve. Go at your own pace. 

Breathe

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